Op-Ed: If Elon Musk Is So Smart, Why Am I Still Microwaving my CDs?

Riddle me this, Space Man. If you’ve got so much horsepower up top, why do I still have to nuke my discs before I play them? Can’t someone at SpaceX figure out how to play CDs at room temperature? It’s 20 f-ing 20! That’s two thousand years since CHRIST!

Are you asleep at the switch, Elon? Let’s get moving on this real world issue. Am I the only person who thinks it’s crazy that we all have to keep a microwave in the passenger seat of our cars just so we can listen to Janet Jackson while we pick up our kids from archery practice? Does anyone even clock how dangerous it is to power a full-blown kitchen appliance through a Honda’s cigarette lighter? I mean, I’m basically driving a bomb around town. And Teslas don’t even have microwaves built into the console – I know BECAUSE I CHECKED. Plus, my kid is older now and likes to sit up front. But I need my Janet on the way to school so he sits on top of my Kenmore Stainless. My kid is getting straight up radiated – his gonads are bust!

Hey Mr. Cyber Truck! Roll this up and smoke it! It’s Valentine’s Day. My wife is coming home after a long day at the law office. I’m trying to make nice to her so I light up some candles and pour some champagne on the mattress. Everything’s perfect, we just need some music so I put some Janet Jackson in the nuker to warm for a minute and twenty. As soon as I press “Start” – in walks my wife! And now, instead of “Rhythm Nation” all she hears is the roar of my Kenmore Stainless. She doesn’t seem to mind but I simply can’t perform. Buzz kill. Mood kill. Soaked mattress for nothing.

In conclusion, blast me to Mars and tell me it’s Venus because I am sure as hell not paying for Spotify Premium. 

Who’s with me on this? Earth to Elon! Fix it!

EDITOR’S NOTE: We literally don’t screen these at all. To submit an opinion piece to GobblerNY please email Denise at op-ed@gobblerny.com, and trust us, that thing is going straight to print, no questions asked. Denise can’t read and doesn’t have a computer.

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