Well, you heard it here first folks: after a full year of research and a profoundly questionable clinical trial (verdict: not guilty!), GobblerNY is bursting onto the world stage with a revolutionary, paradigm-shifting umami bomb of a vaccine.

To all the skeptics and naysayers who doubted our ability to pivot from sporadic, loosely reality-based Manhattan restaurant commentary into the pharmaceutical industry, who said things — hurtful things — like “Stick to food blogging!” and “Is this legal?”, we don’t want to say “we told you so,” but we told you so. Eat it, Moderna!

Like the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine, our ponzu-based inoculation delivery system uses RNA — specifically nRNA, or “no RNA,” since we don’t know what RNA is. In another departure from the Pfizer model, GobblernyVAX’s chemical composition (four parts saline, two parts shoyu ramen broth, and one part vermouth) represents a quantum leap above Pfizer’s three-parts-saline-to-two-parts-vermouth recipe.

Admittedly, the storage requirements for GobblernyVAX are fairly exacting, though this is to be expected given the delicate nature and sweet-and-sour interplay of the vaccine’s components: the GobblerNY vaccine must be stored at a constant -20ºC but then baked at 350ºF for two hours (or 425ºF for ninety minutes). We strongly advise giving it a nice sear on the grill before serving but leave that to the distributor’s discretion.

This is all groundbreaking stuff, but we’ve saved the best for last: unlike some of its competitors, GobblernyVAX only requires a single dose in order to reach its full 21% effectiveness. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Fauci!

Watch this space for continuing coverage of GobblerNY’s vaccine rollout. We hope to begin shipping both pre-mixed vaccines and DIY kits as early as next week. Pre-order now for nationwide delivery through Goldbelly or curbside pickup at your nearest Wolfgang Puck steakhouse.